Letting go, and losing sight of the shore!

I’ve been sick on and off for as long as I can remember.  As a child, I was in hospital a lot with asthma, and spent an extended period in the Xavier Home in Brisbane, where I kept up my school work, and did everything I needed to do to not die.  I didn’t know about getting well.  I felt abandoned by my family, and thought I’d never go home.  How can a child get well and thrive in a situation such as that?  Anyway, the fear of abandonment has hung over me for the remainder of my life, making me unable to say no to things, and people, that were harmful to me.  And yet, here I am, still here, and diving deeper into the depths of self than most people dare to go.  Yes, many people go through some self-inquiry - there are so many books and workshops out there now - but they usually stop at a certain point, fearing what they might find if they probe any deeper.  I want to go deeper.  I want to go so deep within that I get to the me that was before this life even existed!  I want to know why I am the way I am, and what is blocking me from living the life I could be living.  And I’ve found some interesting things along the way.  I walk my talk.  I live and breathe what I say.  And I notice everything… every thing…

Yet here I am, sick again - with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, copper toxicity, and fibromyalgia.  When I start to feel like I’m improving, I’ll do a little exercise and that will set me back a week or more.  Instead of the exercise helping to build strength and endurance, my body turns against itself - it’s like an allergic reaction to the exercise!  I just keep clearing the issues that come up, constantly muscle testing and clearing and, as I improve, I try again.  But recently I’ve been thinking about how illness has played a major role in keeping my life small and safe.  Most people would have you believe that we don’t choose illness, but we do - unconsciously, of course.  It’s like illness is my default.  Sadness is my default.  Poverty is my default.  Pain is my default.  These four issues work together to keep my life small.  There’s a quote that sums it up perfectly.  “Man cannot discover new oceans until he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”  (Anon).  Not only have I been unable to lose sight of the shore, my boat has been tethered to the shore.  I row out a little way, and then the rope of sickness, poverty, pain, and sadness (all fear in different disguises) pulls me back in to safety.

However, all this inner diving is different - there is no tether!  I dive so deeply inside myself that I often lose sight of the shore of what is socially deemed normal and appropriate!  For me, it’s always been the inner journey, and I have been discovering new oceans within, new worlds that aren’t visible to most others I meet.  In company, I often feel more alone than I do when I’m truly alone.  I didn’t know why this was, but recently realised it is because I then focus on the other person, their wants, needs, pains, and I lose myself in the tide of suffering that surrounds me.  This is the old co-dependent need to fix everything for everyone.  Which is, of course, impossible.  But when you’ve grown up in a toxic, co-dependent, family, you think if you act the way your parents want you to act that they’ll like you, that they won’t abandon you (emotionally and/or physically).  I wanted my father to like me, and I was terrified of him.  I was so enmeshed with both of my parents that I didn’t know who I was.  I didn’t know what I wanted, just what they wanted of me.  And then the rules kept changing, so the floor would fall out from under me just as I’d thought I’d got it right.  I felt so disempowered and out of control, that my life became out of control.  And like attracts like, so I attracted friends (and foes) who were also self-destructive, unhappy people.  Co-dependence really is insidious, because it usually remains hidden deep within us, working away, gaining power, making it impossible to break free of the people who are the most damaging to our wellbeing.

And yet, here I am.  Still here, and still diving ever deeper.  Something, some light from within, makes me keep going.  I’ve been to several therapists over the last ten or so years, and they all ended up asking my advice on their own issues!  Again, I had attracted narcissists like my father, so I worked on my own narcissistic tendencies.  No university course can give you insight.  This is the hard work I believe we’re meant to be doing - and we need to do it ourselves.  No-one else can do the inner work for us!  We need to trust ourselves first, then spirit, then others.

However, sometimes we need a sounding board in order to become clear about what we want, and a good therapist can be helpful here.  When I was working through some issues with my ex-boyfriend, I saw a lovely therapist.  After we'd worked together for a few months, she said she thought I could do anything I put my mind to.  The trouble is, I don't have the desire to put my focus on the things others in my life think I should be focusing on.  For instance, I don't feel passionate about anything - other than this inner work, and energy healing, which may not bring in an income.  I don’t believe life is about working hard just to make money and buy nice things.  That's not laziness, I just don’t agree with that work ethic.  I believe that our abundance is accrued and waiting for us to allow it into our lives.  I needed to do the inner work in order to set myself up in a more centred space, by healing the stuff that needed to be healed - the shame, the guilt, the fear of abandonment and rejection - things that made me act in ways that weren’t in my best interests (for you, it may be different). 

And now, it’s time to let the tethers go, and lose sight of the shore on the outside!  I never wanted to travel the world when I was young.  My sister did, but I felt more comfortable staying at home.  At the time of writing, a friend and her partner are travelling all around Italy.  She’s posting the photos online for all her friends and family to enjoy, and I am really beginning to see myself out there, in the big, wide, world - and not alone, either, but with my soul mate!  I never really wanted anything for myself but a house and two dogs.  Now I want it all.  I don’t need to be in a relationship - I worked through my co-dependence in the last one.  And I’ve been working on my issues since I broke off with him, so that I would be healthy on all levels when I met my equal.

If I’m going to untether my boat and lose sight of the shore, I might as well do it in all areas of my life!!  I’ve never been wealthy - that was too big and scary for me, and I felt unworthy and uncomfortable with money.  Whenever I had money, I quickly got rid of it, either by spending or giving it away.  I’ve never been truly well - either emotionally or physically (and yet, I have an inner strength that has always been there, no matter how sad or depressed I've felt).  I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who is my equal - spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually.  To ask why, and not look inside first, is just whining!  During my deep diving, I found the answers, and I did the work (and I’m still doing it) and now I say, it's time… time to live!

I don’t have the answers for anyone else.  If you want to know the answers, first you need to ask the right questions.  Just finding the questions takes work and insight.  The good thing is, the more inner healing you do, the more insight you receive.  You’re no longer cynical - or gullible.  You have a deep sense of knowing - and no person or event can topple you from your centred way of Being.  You can feel sad, and at the same time feel a deep sense of joy!  You’ll see through the motivations of others, and it’ll be okay, because you’ll know (I mean really know) that they’re on their own journey, and you have no way of knowing where they are along that journey... and the only journey that is of any consequence to you is your own!

Focusing on other people’s journeys, no matter how important it may appear (world hunger, for instance) really can knock us off our own path.  We can do more good for the planet by staying true to ourselves and expanding.  By expanding, the universe, in turn, can’t help but expand.  So, by diving into our inner world, working out who we are and what we want, and then staying focused on what we do want (rather than complaining about the stuff we don’t like in our lives - because we get what we focus on, whether or not that is what we want) - we actually become co-creators, and the universe expands because of us!  That’s pretty amazing, don’t you think?  It’s so big, that most of us just don’t want to believe it.  We want to put someone else in charge, because the responsibility seems too great!  We want it to be God’s fault that things happen - or we blame the government.  But things just happen!  The planet is expanding and changing all the time.  It heats.  It cools.  It shifts.  That’s the way it is!  The important thing is to remain centred and not go off following every piece of news, losing sight of the big picture, and getting caught up in the drama and the suffering.

The best way to stay centred is to remember what you want, and look towards that.  An important note here:  If you feel anxious about the thing or person you think you want, then you’re coming from fear, and you’ll attract the thing you fear, rather than what you want!  Trying to make stuff happen just works against us.  I know it seems sometimes that things aren’t going the way you want them to, and that’s because there hasn’t been enough inner work to discover what the blocks are, and then healing, or clearing them.  Complaining about something increases the energy around that thing, and that's how our beliefs are born.  We have a thought, we focus our energy on it, and then we attract that very thing, and so we believe it to be the truth.  Much better to use that power to create positive beliefs, don't you think?

I’ll use myself as an example.  I always attracted men who were controlling, and who put me down in order to feel smarter than me.  I never let my intelligence shine, because my father hated that I had a high I.Q. and worked at pulling me down.  Consequently, every man I met, whether at work or socially, was my father with a different face.  I had to work through all of that until I finally got to the core of the matter and recognised what was going on.  I did that quite early, but didn’t know what to do about it.  Then, when I’d learnt how to muscle test, and the insights began flowing in, I could clear and heal the old stuff.  I did a lot of writing too, and I was drawn to the books I needed as I needed them.  I worked, and worked.  And then I worked some more!  All the guys had been learning experiences.  The trouble was that I believed, through my experiences with men, that all men were stupid, controlling jackasses who put women down.  My beliefs then attracted more of the same, and I’d complain to anyone who would listen about the latest poor me episode with some guy.  And then, I just stopped complaining - because I finally understood that the complaining, and believing, was what was drawing these replicas of my father to me.

You see, we form our beliefs, and then we find ways to justify those beliefs.  “See?” we say.  “I knew all men were like that, and this proves it!”  Add your own issue here - it can be about money, health, spirituality, quantum physics, whatever… remembering, also, that just because we can’t see something (our own issues, God, our soul, energy...) doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  People ridiculed the very notion of flicking a switch and having a light come on!!!  They just knew that gas lamps and candles were the way things were…  I’ll leave you with that.

Love and Light
  xxx

Trees

I've always had a love affair with trees.  As a child, I loved to climb the huge oak (well it seemed huge) bordering our neighbour's place.  My sister and I would sometimes go too high and I (being the youngest) occasionally required help getting down again.

On a recent trip to Poona, on the Fraser Coast of Queensland, my friend and I encountered some of the most interesting trees I've ever seen.  They were in Maryborough, which was once prosperous, and I hope it dusts itself off again soon.  I'd like to share some of those beautiful trees with you (whoever you are)...

This tree is in a wonderful bird sanctuary and wetlands park just outside of the city centre of Maryborough.  I blend right in, don't I?

 This one (below) is in Queen's Park, and has a very interesting bark pattern.

You can just see my friend (above), who is over 6'3", hidden in its depths - this beauty is in Queen's Park also.

Another enormous and ancient tree in the beautiful Queen's Park of Maryborough (left).

My friend went right inside this strangler fig and filmed its labyrinthine interior.

I hope you enjoyed these wonderful trees - if you ever get to visit them for yourself, please say hello from me!

Love and Light xxx