I've been watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD - fourteen years' worth of content condensed into a few months. I've really gotten to know the characters doing it this way, and have become quite involved in the lives of this fictional group of people. What can I say? I have no life...
One of the characters, Owen Hunt, really makes my skin crawl. He is the epitome of every man I've ever known - the first being my father. On the surface, they present as the Good Guy, and most people seem to like and/or admire them. They keep up that pretence with everyone but the people they're in relationships with.
In the family unit, it may only be one person (usually the scapegoated child) who sees through the Good Guy facade, though others may see it and deny it, because of their own fears of abuse or abandonment. For a child who is scapegoated in this way, it creates great inner conflict, as the child is being told by everyone outside the family how wonderful their parent is, while they live in fear, and hate that parent, while also loving and needing them...
I grew up in the 1960s, and it was common back then to believe the child should do as they were told - the saying was, "A child should be seen and not heard." There were never any discussions about anything - you were just told to do it, no questions asked. If I did question the narcissistic parent, I got met with threats of the strap. I was also told to do things I didn't know how to do - they just expected me to know. This set me up for failure, though I tried to work things out for myself, which has made me quite capable in some regards. In recent years, however, I started noticing how much I panicked when I didn't know something. Until, a few weeks ago, I read an article that said, "If you're not sure about something, then "don't know" is always a totally acceptable position." That one line changed me. I said it over and over - "I don't know, I don't know - and that's perfectly okay."
Anyway, that upbringing is at the core of my hating controlling men who set their partners up to fail. Owen Hunt is such a man. I started getting angry every time I saw him. I wanted to kill off his character in a violent and painful way. I got really involved, and, finally, as with any situation that triggers my childhood stuff, I saw this as an opportunity to grow - and to let go of the hating.
On Friday, a hater shot down a group of people praying in a mosque in New Zealand. One hater, who couldn't let other people be. A controlling, narcissistic, hater, who thought the entire population should conform - to please him. I thought about how my own hatred of a character on a television show was adding to the hatred in the world. In that moment, I asked the Blessed Mother to pray for me to let go of hating people (either real or fictional), and to instead dislike the behaviour of these people. I went to bed that night with that prayer in my heart and mind.
Over the weekend, I was watching the show again, and Owen's behaviour had escalated, as it does with all narcissists who aren't getting their own way. It was like watching a tantrumming two year-old, because he was hating Cristina for not wanting a child. It doesn't make any sense, just as a tantrum doesn't make any sense. He is damaged - and not just from the war, and his PTSD. He would've been damaged in this way in childhood. Maybe he was a tantrumming child, and his mother always gave in to him, so that's how he relates to women as an adult - by bullying, manipulating, name-calling, etc. In others words, having tantrums until he gets what he wants.
This is why so many narcissists end up with co-dependent pleasers. They can't handle the conflict of being with someone who refuses to buckle, who fights against being controlled and manipulated. For instance, when Owen first met resistance from Cristina, he wanted to screw her all the time. He kissed her like he was trying to overwhelm and overpower her. Watching him kiss her made me feel sick - it was disgusting to watch. Finally, she said to him that he was trying to screw her into submission. And she admitted that she let him, but that it had to stop. Of course, he denied it. They always do. The key here, though, is that we allow the behaviour to continue - it always take two, and we always have a choice, even if it doesn't feel that way.
Back to my own hatred, though... When I started rewatching over the weekend, it came out that Owen had cheated on Cristina with some random woman. He couldn't even remember her name. He did it to hurt Cristina back - because he saw her not having a child as her hurting him. That's how skewed the thinking of a narcissist is. Everything - everything - is about them. And everyone else is seen as an extension of them, meaning they believe the other person should want what they want, should do what they want, should act how they see fit. Thus, the hater who shot the praying Muslims - he was literally having a tantrum - with a loaded weapon (though I won't start on gun laws here). Can you imagine giving a loaded weapon to a tantrumming two year-old?
The amazing thing was, though, that even though Owen's behaviour had escalated, I didn't feel hatred towards him. I didn't feel the rage that had previously been triggered in me whenever I saw him. I had a few close calls, but I kept saying, "hate the behaviour, not the person" and it worked. Was it a prayer answered? A miracle? Or purely self-awareness? Perhaps it was all three - whatever it was, I am truly grateful for that shift in my own behaviour, because it was verging on narcissistic as well. To hate Owen, and real narcissistic controllers, because of their behaviour, makes me narcissistic as well. To hate the behaviour, and to steer clear of people who behave like that in real life - that is being discerning.
So, let's not add the energy of hatred to an already hating world. If we want to change the world to be a more loving place, it begins with us. Change always begins within. If we dislike the behaviour of someone, we steer clear of that person. To try and change them makes us a controlling person as well, and many people fall into this category, because they don't want to admit they were wrong, and to let go.
Letting go can be so difficult - especially if you grew up in a narcissistic household, and have skewed beliefs about what constitutes love. But when we do finally let go of the controlling person, and our own need to counter-control - that is self-love. And loving ourselves in that way, by taking care of ourselves, is the most liberating thing we can ever do - for ourselves, and for the Universe.
Here's to more Love! xxx
